Unclear was written when I was in year 9. It’s basically about how I wanted to be done with high school and just skip to the part where I was happily married with a job I loved, and I baby on the way.

I didn’t like not knowing what the future would hold or what I wanted to do in life. But then, I realised, that skipping ahead means you miss all the fun you can have while you’re young and you miss out on a lot of opportunities.

When I wrote this, I pasted it in the front of my school diary, kind of like I do now, except it was a lot less public. My year advisor saw it one day, probably while giving me a detention for not having my hair up, and he found it distressing.

I don’t know why, it’s probably one of the least depressing lyrics I’ve written. After having a chat to me about whether I was ok, he then sent me to see the school councillor. I then had to explain to the councillor that writing helps to let out any emotions I have that are keeping me down.

If only that year advisor could see some of the stuff I write now.

Love
Roxanne

Ok so, I promised myself I’d be honest on here and I want to keep that promise, but first I have to say this. If any relatives of mine are reading this, Mum, Dad, Nan? Please stop. This is not a story for you.

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Turn back now.

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Do not keep reading

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‘The Life That I Lost’ you might have guessed (if you even read it, did you?) is about a time when I had a slight pregnancy scare. I was many weeks late and starting to get worried, so I told my friends. They then thought it would be hilarious to freak me out. They started saying things to make it seem more real, like ‘What do you think it is?’ or ‘What are you going to name it?’

Those type of questions don’t freak me out because I’ve already thought of names and that I want to have a boy first and then a girl. I feel like girls end up more outgoing if they grew up with an older brother, but that could just be because I have an older sister and am not so outgoing.

Then my friends started asking me other, harder questions, ones that take thought. ‘Who gets the baby if you die?’ ‘Will you tell the father?’ (he wasn’t exactly someone I see often *cough* one night stand *cough*) You know, the usual drunken conversations had between friends on a night out.

I should add that I didn’t think I was pregnant, we used protection, but the idea of having a baby suddenly seemed perfect. I started planning everything out. I probably should have just taken a test but I like I said, I didn’t actually think I was pregnant, but after that night I hoped I was.

A few nights later, accompanied by my friends, I took a test, three tests to be more accurate, and they were all negative. I kept hoping I did it wrong, I’d never taken one before being only 19 at the time, so I thought maybe I’m doing this wrong.

But nope. 9 months later, or 7 months since I took the test like 2 months later, and there was no baby shooting out me, no me screaming in pain.

I still have dreams where I’ve had a baby and I’m so happy in the dream. Then I wake up and it hits me that I don’t have a baby. One time I had a dream that I had twins and they were in another room asleep, the I woke up in a panic because I couldn’t hear if they were crying or not. Took me almost a minute to remember.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I had barely seen and done half the things I’ve seen and done now. There’s so much more I want to do before I have kids. One of those things is to actually be in love and married before I have kids. Or at least in love.

So that’s what ‘The Life That I Lost’ is about. The time I planned out a life that never ended up happening because I wasn’t pregnant.

Love
Roxanne